I went to to a new dentist today. No problems with my teeth or with my former dentist. The problem was me. Like most people a trip to the dentist is not something I look forward too. But Nancy found a “painless” dentist and sang his praises a few year back and he’s been our guy.

He even talked me into putting bondo on my teeth to fix a family flaw.

Very nice office, very nice staff, very nice guy. So why the change?

Because I can be a real asshole when it comes to waiting for medical procedures.

Especially when it’s a procedure that I hate anyway. Don’t make me wait for a colonoscopy. Or the urologist. Or the dentist. Or the OB-GYN (if I ever needed one.)

I see lots of people with gnarled up teeth – or no teeth – all the time.

Fat ones.

So eating without teeth doesn’t seem to cause a huge barrier to maintaining caloric intake. Dentists are advertising “are you afraid to smile?” to appeal to the vanity in all of us.  I’m wouldn’t be afraid to smile. The people I hang with wouldn’t point and laugh at my broken and black teeth.

Well, Nancy would point and laugh. Actually she would disown me.  It’s probably that way with most guys. If it wasn’t for women in our lives we pretty much would be hanging out in shorts, stained tee shirts, toothless, and bearded.

Sasquatch is a male, no arguments, right?

I had a 1:00 p.m. appointment for a regular check-up with Old Dr. DDS. I showed up at 12:50 and the doors were locked. No sign with office hours, no cars in the lot, no lights on. I figured I had the wrong date and left to check my calendar.

It was the right date and the right time. I called and was told the office was closed at noon for lunch. I said I would be there in ten minutes. I was there in six.

Old Dr. DDS was with another patient.

Your Honor, in my defense, I was a victim of cruel and unusual circumstances. This was the fifth time in ten days that I was forced against my will to sit in a medical procedure waiting room.

I calculated that I had spent twelve hours WAITING prior to this appointment.

I took my mouth repair business elsewhere. I told the dental assistant that I didn’t think it was proper for the Old Dr. DDS to take another patient when he knew I was hurrying back.  I told the dental assistant I thought they should staff their office through the lunch hour. I told the dental assistant that they should post their office hours on the door.

Then I left.

On the way out, I passed Old Dr. DDS. “Hi Mark.”

“Hello.”

And good bye.

I’m sure he would have welcomed me back. But I was too embarrassed to return. I’m just glad there were other options.

I found a New Dr. DDS on the web.

Tres cool office, ultra nice staff, computers with web access while I wait, flat panel TV’s while they work on my face, expensive as hell, but I decided to invest in my big mouth because investing in companies that make things hasn’t worked out so well.

He wants to remove the bondo.

And put on walnut veneers.

This should be interesting.