• Keep your cigs in your shirt sleeve so they don’t get crushed.
• Never get your girlfriend’s name tattooed on your arm.
• No harm, no foul.
• Parts is parts.
• When you look at other women, don’t try to hide it, just go ahead and stare.
• Only buy eight good beers, after that you won’t care if it’s Schlitz.
• Don’t pick your teeth with your knife after you clean your toenails.
• Always pick at least one longshot.
• Tell the cop, “give me a lecture or a ticket, but not both.”
• Judges don’t care if you lie.
• Always keep in touch with your probation officer.
• Paying income taxes is for suckers.
• Always have plenty of ones.
• Why buy the cow if the milk is free.
• Baffle them with your bullshit.
• Get around to it when you want to.

Your dad teach you anything like this? Mine didn’t either.