Squirrel Killer Extraordinaire
Squirrels are malaria ridden, tuberculois carrying, flea infested, SARS infected rodents.
We have a bird feeder right just three feet outside where I’m sitting. The rodents try to eat there. No way rodent. Those seeds are for the birdies. The weight causes a cover to slide over the openings. Get your meal elsewhere, rodent. Varmint.
Today, I happened to be helping meanteacher with some blog ideas, when one of those $!!%#@$%$! rodents decides to climb up look me in the eye and try to get some free food.
I immediately went into DefCon One. Ripping off my suit and tie (yes I always dress up on Saturday morning) and lunging into my camos, I screamed DefCon ONE!!! and my wife sprung into action. By the time I got up from the fall caused by tripping over my camo pants, she had the car backed out and the top town.
I grabbed my indefagable (can I say that?) five iron and did a good ole boy leap into the passenger seat. She layed rubber and we were off to chase down this varmint, this plague carrying critter, the curse of all mankind.
I’m standing on the seat and hanging on to the windshield and yelling Geronimooooooooo, and the little rat ran right down the middle of the street. She only had to drive with one wheel in the neighbors yards to give me a good clean swing.
It was a marvelous swing. I lead him perfectly, guessing that he would make a dodge left at the last moment. The thud of my five iron against his putrid little skull was music to my ears.
So the world is now has one less … !!*&%!!#$% there’s another one.
UPDATE:
UPDATE 2:
Exactly 14 squirrels were arrested on the outskirts of the Iranian border on suspicion of being British spies.
No, I don’t know, and don’t want to know. But I am pleased that you kill the tree rats and wish you continued good hunting. Do you use a five iron from a car too?
You know, tree rats are pretty good with dumplings!
Chase: you can just leave now.
Poor little thang.
I just love the innerwebs! Just ran across that by accident! Knew you’d like it.
ROTFLMAO!! I LOVE it! It will look lovely over the mantle.
XX’s on the eyes would have been PERFECT. Good thinking! I’m glad you liked the story.
Okay, now that I’ve finally stopped laughing enough that I can type again, I’ll comment.
Tripped over your camo pants, eh? I do that all the time, man. All the time.
The only thing that would’ve made that picture better, was if you had put little x’s on his eyes. I’d have fallen out of my chair for sure then. As it was, I just teetered a little, lol.
If you eat part of my house, I will hunt down any member of your family! I won’t say kill because that’s going too far, unless you are descended from squirrels.
YIKES…he definitely looks like he’s had better days. Remind me never to get in the way of your five iron. I guess he didn’t know who he was dealing with, did he?
As we always say when we see a little critter killed on the street….”Shhh, he’s sleeping.”
LOL, thanks. Since I have constant ringing in my ears, won’t bother me a bit. Wonder how it effects dogs???
Why yes! I googled ‘plug in yokes’ and found this:
http://www.pestrepellerultimate.com/google.htm
It’s the beez neez I tells ya! It works on many wee beasties. Problem is, that I can hear it too sometimes, it drives me crazy. I have to sit far away from it which is a bummer because I meet up with all the spiders and rats and squirells who are avoiding it too.
Thanks for the idea, spiders too? Do I Google “plug in yokes?”
🙂
*sob* poor little critter. What you need is one of them plug in yokes that emit a constant very high pitched whistle. I use them for spiders and mice as we’re surrounded by fields. Yes it works!