More War Breaks Out All Over. Canuck Amuck. Gossoon Grandad Gobsmacked. Vermont Traded.
He started it. He hit first.
Grandad launched an ICBM against some spammers in Chicago.
I called my good friend, Senator Mitch McConnell, and he agreed that a suitable countermeasure would be to divert the missile aimed shoot down the steampunk satellite (suitably old but mysteriously advanced), and instead blow up one of the bogs that Grandad is always sending American tourists to when they ask directions to the village.
It was done. Legislation will be enacted sometime to authorize the strike.
The missile was diverted alright, Grandad reported it struck Bristol. I was totally demoralized. I thought it hit Bristol, CT, where they have the best NASCAR race of the season.
No, it hit Bristol England. Everything on that continent is so close together, that satisfied Mitch and I as “close enough”, so we both slept well (but not together.)
It was done. We won. Grandad eliminated some spammers, we eliminated a “futbol” field.
Fifty years Bristol Rovers have waited to get as far as they have in the FA Cup and now their ground has gone.
Today it has come to my attention that Grandad’s attack on Chicago has been interpreted by the chancellor of Canuckastan as a preemptive “impuissant le blowjob” from the Québécois.
But not content to protect the French language with the French Language Police (yes they do exist). They are now going ballistic about an Irish Pub that is not “French” enough. [full article here].
Grandad goaded him saying he had bombed the U.S. the chancellor said:
Because of that I had to move fast and declare war on Quebec. I haven’t officially done it yet. But I am getting there.
He says he has tractors from Grandad for his war. I’ve read enough from Grandad to know he’s sending tour buses that he has riddled with bullets.
What ever happened to Vermont seceding from the U.S.?
Here is my proposed solution:
We trade Vermont and Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy for Quebec and four “tractors” from Canuckastan. Then we will trade Quebec to Ireland in exchange for Grandad calling a cease fire on tourists buses and agree to run a tourist information booth in town.
Or we get Canuckastan to invade Vermont while speaking French. While they are busy trying to understand how to surrender to each other, life goes on.
Shhhhhh, the Air Force is listening
@Sixty:
Of course. We all know that “I was victorious!” or perhaps yelling same at the sky as the nosecone of an ICBM looms larger in your vision is most assuredly the last and final act of defiance. Giving it the finger as you scream your defiance adds a nice classic touch to the whole thing as well.
@Sixty again:
Ah yes, that makes sense then. “Up on blocks” does not constitute a “permanent foundation” as far “land and building” tax purposes go and/or indicates a “non-running” status in the case of an unregistered motor vehicle for DMV purposes probably due to the fact that by state law you can only have so many/no unregistered vehicles on your property for over [set amount of time] unless said vehicles are denuded of tires and wheels and the vehicle is up on blocks. That sort of thing?
@Grandad,
Well…I have this WordPress 2.5 test site that’s been running for awhile now so I suppose we could move the conversation over there. That way we can plot and connive in relative privacy. That is unless we invite Sixty to come along just for the sake of being contrary. Of course if we do this I’ll have send you the URL to the site and the main username and password via email and I’ll then ask you to create your own administrator user account just to separate us all out. I expect top secret posts and all that crap too ya’ know.
Figured you might want to see what’s coming as well.
@Kirk: Bombing Sixty sounds good to me. We’ll have to shift this conversation to another blog though?
@Sixty: Saying Victory first means nothing. Dubya tried that on an aircraft carrier, and look where that got him…..
@ Kirk M
@ Grandad: I said Victory first so I win. You can go ahead and start anytime, but remember I was victorious.
@Kirk M again: I don’t have a basement. I keep my plane in the front yard up on blocks. Kentucky zoning requirement you know.
@Grandad,
Like you said. Shall we have a quick parley and just bomb Sixty instead? You know, just for target practice and all that. Besides, I think he’s keeping your plane in his basement for future dastardly purposes.
@Cranky,
No problem with the prisoners Cranky, send ’em on. Or if you want to save on transportation costs you can always leave ’em where there at until the warm season and most of ’em will come down here anyway for shopping, sightseeing and bike rallies (Harley’s etc, not the blasted pedal kind) purposes.
@Sixty,
Victory? Uh…okay. Enjoy then.
@Sixty: You can’t declare victory. We haven’t even started yet.
@Cranky: I’m over it. I’m now concentrating on NASA blowing a hole in the moon. I hereby withdraw from the altercation declaring Victory.
Peace.
@ ALL OF YOU!!
Damn it!! It’s CRANKY not C-R-A-Z-Y. You would think I was some kind of flipping used car dealer.
The house elf calls me crazy.
Cranky-lee
Cranky
PS. I took Vermont off of the list. BUT Vermont has to take my Quebec prisoners and hold them till I can figure out what to do with them.
Grandad,
Sorry buddy. I hate to tell you this but you missed. I found all this nuclear material in the nose of the plane. Adapting it to my furnace so I can tell my oil company to take a hike.
You’re welcome to try again though. let me just pump up the shield again.
Kirk M – I couldn’t be bothered converting seconds to minutes. It’s no difference with these two megaton beauties.
The plane is a radiation proof spy-plane that I use to photograph the explosion, so I can put it on YouTube.
@Kirk: no prob. I got the image from a “weather satellite” reentering the earth’s atmosphere.
Grandad,
Well, you’re within a couple miles. Can’t you do better than that? And the shield is my work, not some bunch of bloody stupid, overpaid government workers. Not only do I have the benefit of my time in the sub force but years of riding Harley Davidsons also. Ask me if I know how to build something that wor…
Well now, funny how your so called tweaked ICBM looks like a small plane. Did you happen to have to use a delivery system based on a Piper Cub perhaps?
Sixty, I’m-a stealing your picture. Time for a follow up post. (I’ll give you credit though). 😛
@Kirk: watch it, while you’re yakking here, he’s launching. (See latest post.)
Just off Glen Road, Huh?
And if your shield is anything like your missiles……….
Grandad,
Okay, since Sixty’s busy messing up his site, here’s the coordinates (all you need is Google Earth fer heavens sake)
The house:
44 56′ 47.10″ N
72 12′ 04.80″ W
Elev 745 ft
The shop:
44 56′ 35.90″ N
72 11′ 31.90″ W
Elev 780 ft
I can’t make the little degree symbol using your comment box but I’m sure you can manage.
Spanner’s a good name. Glad he knows what he’s doing. Anyway, this will give me the opportunity to test the anti-ICBM force shield I developed for the defense industry during the Cold war. I never got a chance to test it back then due to the fall of the USSR (rotten bast***s!). I barely managed to smuggle out of that secret lab without having to shoot everybody. I ran out of ammo before I could get all of them. Bad luck that.
Sixty – Races canceled. You can’t hold a race in a whacking great hole in the ground.
Kirk M – I know all that. That’s why Spanner [our local garage owner] fixes them first. He has them 100% accurate with a belt of the hammer and a drop of WD40. Just ask the people of Chicago.
Oh, sorry! You can’t. There aren’t any left.
Grandad,
I don’t know where you got your info about Russian missiles but I guarantee that the ones you obtained are Cold War era ICBM’s no matter what the labels say. At best, 1 out of 6 might actually launch without failing within the first 60 seconds and as far as their accuracy is concerned? Probably end up hitting the middle of the Atlantic more than likely.
Now ask me how I know this. My final debriefing isn’t due until 2010 so I can’t answer you but you can ask anyway.
Sixty,
PPPHHBBTTT!!!
@Grandad: ooooooooo. OK, then I’ll will get Crazy Canuck to give me Google Maps Pro coordinates because Kirk is de-bugging my site and he needs his house for innertube connection.
Bristol? what happened at Bristol? Is the race canceled?
Sixty – No I won’t. I got my missiles on eBay from a Russian source. Their missiles are accurate. Unlike yours. Have you apologised to the survivors of Bristol yet????
@Kirk M: ah Grandad will miss Vermont entirely and hit Quebec who will blame Crazy Canuck. You’re spoiling my plan.
@Sixty: Keep your two cents out of this please.
I have my blogging setup at home and subsequently it’s my contact point for people who need help with their WordPress install. I suggest you take that into account.
@Grandad: Please consider sparing the house and the quilt shop. The quilt shop is my honey’s baby but there’s no internet hookup there. You are more than welcome to take out the house that’s attached to the shop though. Drug dealers…’nuff said.
Thank you for your time in this matter.
Kirk M
@Grandad: Nah, take the house, but leave the quilt shop, he likes it better there anyway.
I suppose we could make an exception for Kirk M? In the interest of international detente? We’ll need the co-ordinates of his house though, so we can flatten the rest.
Cranky,
Now this is all wrong. We like you guys. Hell, we’ll even let you drive our tractors fer crissakes. Do you think we just let anyone do that? And what d’you need to take prisoners for? Just a plain waste of time, energy and the cost of transporting a bunch of soggy tailors up here when half the population in Vermont lives in one anyway. Tell you what, you can take all the flat-landers who live here prisoner and exile them to New Orleans, how about that? Damn fools always trying to change things to suit themselves anyway. Don’t even like the smell of manure.
Just c’mon down, you’re entirely welcome. You can even use the kitchen door (an honor in Vermont tradition doncha’ know), we’ll have a fresh pot of coffee on for ya’ just like always and we’ll keep a 24 pack of Molsen in the fridge and some “roll yer own” for the backroom “terms” talks we’ll have later in the evening.
Can’t understand what all the damn fuss is about.
Edmonton’s too far of a drive for me (4,166 km) and I don’t happen to have $100.00 some odd dollars lyin’ around for a lousy passport so I can get back into my own country. perhaps you can make it bigger? Like all the way to Stanstead?
And I’m gonna have a word with Grandad. By God, he’s supposed to be a friend of mine! I mean I even a a hallowed place in my sidebar for his and K8’s blog along with a few other Irish types. This will never do.
So how about you invade the rest of the the country and leave Vermont alone instead (except for the Flat-landers of course)? You can definitely have New Hampshire. Maybe we’ll even give you Killington, VT. Those bastards wanted to succeed to New Hampshire a few years back for tax purposes–unforgivable!
@Cranky Canuck: Good point, we will help by donating the FEMA toxic trailers to your effort. ie: the ones we aren’t using for tornado victims.
Yes, kirk we will invade. We have to support our allies and Grandad is one of them. Sorry, nothing personal. Just good business.
I held a war council at the South County and after a couple of pints we figure we could do it. We just haven’t quite figured out where we are going to put the prisoners. But Grandad may have a few solutions.
I hear there are some trailers in New Orleans that aren’t in use any more.
As for shopping. We have West Edmonton Mall. You may have heard of it.. you know… the worlds largest mall
@Kirk M: don’t bother me with details. I have staff to figure all that out. Bring it on.
Why would we (Vermont) want to defect now? We’re too busy working towards disconnecting the entire State from the power grid and generating our own power from wind, solar, manure and landfills to bother with that federal nonsense and we’ll get back to it as soon as we bury all the goddamnouttastate naysayers trying to fight “goin’ it ourselves”.
As far as Canuckastan invading, they wouldn’t dare. Where else would they be able to shop if they did?