Call me Captain Sixty, Pegleg, Stub, or Lefty, because since I didn’t watch any television news today, I forgot that fireworks can be dangerous.
So tomorrow when I buy the on-sale fireworks (are they ever full price?) I’m sure to blow off a foot, or a hand, or get a bottle rocket in the eye.
AR, AYE MATEY!

I didn’t watch the local fireboys demonstrate how dangerous firecrackers can be. I didn’t hear the fill-in anchor person explain that I should leave blowing stuff up to professionals.
But some newsers are actually starting to get the joke – even making fun of the annual demonstrations of the fun hazards of fireworks.

By the way, the consumer product safety commission told me Black Cat Firecrackers have been recalled. They announced it today.

Hazard: The firework can produce a loud bang and unexpectedly scatter debris, posing an injury hazard to the user and bystanders.

Incidents/Injuries: No injuries have been reported.

And when your buddies say “pull your sack up” and your buddy grabs you so you can move? you should really rethink the whole idea of putting a bottle rock up your ass and lighting it.

Bottle Rocket out of Butt