Hell no I didn’t lose my hearing. I know exactly where it went.

I’m not hard of hearing, it’s damned near impossible sometimes.

Since Nancy and I are moving around the House of Pain a lot more these days getting ready  to move, we aren’t in the same room much when we are trying to converse.

And since my stress level is rising with every passing day, and my blood pressure too, the tinnitus is more than just a slight inconvenience.

It’s a pain in the ass.

I have really crappy eyesight. But my glasses correct my vision. If I didn’t wear glasses, I wonder if I would get the same grief as I do because I can’t hear.

Scene: Nancy is in a dark room (or darkroom) two rooms away. She holds up the phone book and says:

What’s the phone number for the Stones R Me massage place?

Nah, she wouldn’t do that. But hear’s what she will do.

Scene: I am in the throne room peeing. Splishy-splashy. There is a bathroom between us. The tee vee in the bedroom is playing CSI: Law and Miami, SVU. She is standing looking into her closet and asks:

What’s the phone number for the Stones R Me Massage place?

What I hear:

What’s the phoner stoner aloner roaner doner boner?

And then we do the married couple verbal thrust and parry. (Great name for a law firm.)

What? As I move toward her.

Never mind.

No, really what? I’m in the same room now.

It’s nothing.

NO. WHAT DID YOU SAY? Something about did I have a boner?

NO. I SAID: What’s the phone number for the Stones R Me massage place?

You don’t have to yell.  I could hear you, I just couldn’t understand you. I have now headed into another room.

Well if you could wore your hearing aids.

What?

So hear’s my plea (pun intended.) If you are married to a man over the age of 25, he can’t hear you. Oh, he may answer you alright, but he really didn’t hear the question/statement/exclamation. He’s just patronizing you.

Take a listen to this clip … careful, it’s loud.

What do you hear? If you don’t hear anything, you’re not alone.. and you’re probably over the age of 25. And male.

This guy, had his flack write me with some suggestions. They are excellent.  Unlike his hairpiece.

According to studies conducted by Clarity and the Ear Foundation, nearly half of all Baby Boomers in the U.S. suffer from some degree of hearing loss. When you factor in the large percentage of senior citizens with hearing loss, there are tens of millions of Americans struggling every day to hear the voices of their friends and families.

Here are the suggestions. Personally, I am going to work more on #9.

One through six are for people who live with men. Seven through nine are for men.

1. Don’t speak too fast. Don’t mumble. If asked to repeat yourself, try using different words than the first time.
2. Be expressive! Hand gestures and facial expressions can help give clues about what you’re saying.
3. Maintain eye contact as you are talking to someone with hearing loss.
4. Use simple words and expressions. Plain language can make it easier to comprehend what is trying to be said.
5. Don’t speak or answer for a hearing impaired person when talking with others. Give them time to respond.
6. Everyone reads lips and facial cues to better understand conversations. Stand in well-lit areas to help with communication.
7. If you have hearing loss, remind people and mention that they need to get your attention before beginning to speak.
8. Don’t be passive. If hearing or understanding a conversation is unusually difficult, say so.
9. Instead of saying “What?” when you don’t understand what you heard, repeat the part of the statement that you did hear.

And please don’t yell. We’re doing the best we can with what we got.